Hey everyone's. I went through a lot of my posts and made them friends only cuz some of it gets too emotional and private. If u want to read the posts then feel free to add me. I am pretty open and would most likely add u unless I personally know u in real life- cuz I dunno how u will react to the stuff I write in here

from now on this journal would be semi-friends only. So some entries will be made public but my private stuff would be private :)

 

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Just finished watching shin sekai yori (an anime). It was great and is really worth watching. It's based on a novel and is different from the typical anime. It's a mystery type anime. More about it below.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/From_the_New_World_(novel)

If you like it you might like the animes moribito and dennou coil.

It's going to be friggin 34 degrees tomorrow :(. Hotttttttt

Ok I will try to be more positive. I need positivity.

Hey there

So yeah a bit has happened.i got a haircut a short one. I cut away all my long hair. I haven't had a hair cut for a year. It's depressing that my hair had thinned out because I don't have growth hormone anymore but at least I am not bald lol. Sometimes I lose so much hair I wonder why I am still not bald. I think short hair with layers suit me more because it makes my hair look a looot thicker. Yeah I cut away 2/3 length of my hair so it's soo dramatic lol.

So yeah I went to Ikea on sun I think and we ate a lot lol. We ordered one large serving of mashed potatoes and meatballs, a large fish an chips, am extra chips and a bow of veggies. By the time we finished it we were so full. I didn't get anything except for a basket thingy to put dirty laundry in. I was a bit broke after paying for all the food and haircut lol. (Mum pad for haircut cuz I didn't have cash but I will pay her back). And they didn't have a desk that I want.

I went online and I got a second hand violin for under $100. Yeah and it's worth like $300+ retail. I decided that I really don't need an expensive violin right now. I was just mad that my current violin is so hard to play. I spoke to my teacher and she agrees that my violin is hard to play too lol. But she said that its good training for my muscles. I am gonna get the bridge lowered. I think I am gonna get injured before I can properly train my muscles. I think I found a store willing to do it. Plus my other violin is coming soon. Yeah I think its soo hard to play violin. After so many weeks of playing I only got 4/6 of the variations of twinkle right. Still stuck in one and playing lightly row lol. I am sick of the suzuki method lol. But I guess I am improving reeeeeeaally slowly lol. Yeah I won't give up lol.

Yeah back to the second hand one. It's from 2005. It's made by this famous violin shop and they have videos playing samples of the violin. It's really sweet soundling. I just hope it comes in one piece. It was massively reduced because its missing a string but I can fix that easily. I think my teacher was surprised that I managed to change the strings of my current violin and tune it properly lol. It's not that hard. At least I am not scared of tuning anymore. Bit having one string lost- makes it easier for the soundpost to dislodge in shipping but it's only shipping within the same city/state so it should be fine. I don't want to pick it up cuz I have to go to the bay and it's raining like mad. Plus it's gonna cost me at least the same to travel there than to post it. So I decided to ask them to post it instead.

Yeah and someone is coming to fix the power today. It was soo funny. Ok not funny I should be thankful instead. So mum called the insurance company to renew our home inurance then suddenly the solar power generator thingy we have started smoking and smelling awful like its burning. We quickly turned it off lol and everything is now ok. But it is weird that it happened just right after my mum made the call. I was screaming like something smells weird and burnt then mum went down to turnn the thingy off. We are relying on electricity from the electricity company right now cuz the solar thingy is stuffed up.

I can't wait to get power back. Then I could wash my clothes finally, except the weather has been soo bad so I have been stuck here with my dirty clothes. I got a bit grumpy as I intended to go exploring a bit. Anyhow. I need to go to the city tomorrow or today to get my books returned. Then I need to get a set of strings for the other violin which I hope is ok and fix my current violin. I am sad that my music store said that the violin was properly set up when it was not. But then it was a sale item so I got it for $30 cheaper but then I wished they charged me the $30 extra and had the bridge set up properly. I am mad and I am not dealing with them again. I need to travel quite far to fix my violin but oh well it probably has faults other than the bridge that need fixing no it it's not too expensive I might get it done too.

Yeah it's now 4.30 am in the morning. My sleep schedule is totally stuffed up. Lol. I guess things will get better once I get into a routine. It's been raining really badly that I think the call centre needs people but I don't want to volunteer cuz I got sick of calls lol. But if they ask me I might go again. Dunno.

Yeah for the time being I finished my degree early like I dunno 5 months earlier. So I have some time to get my life and health back on track. I want to go travelling/exploring a bit. I might pick up some brochures and see where I can go lol. I might actually go by myself.

And it's annoying that people keep on asking when I am graduating. Like grandpa, dad, my aunties and everyone is sooo interested. My cousin decided to do a law program overseas in canada for like half a year. It sounds weird cuz I thought law was at least 2 years long when you study a bachelors which is completely unrelated to law. I hope they aren't wasting money telling her to do these (crappy) programs. You should research your programs carefully before you do them because there are many dummy programs out there. But i didnt say anything because you know you shouldn't get into other people's business.

And they are paying a lot to send her there. I feel bad really because I hope my auntie isn't pressuring her to study it because I am studying it. Law sucks. I have this piece of paper but I don't really wanna be a lawyer anymore. In fact I don't want to work in commerce/ law anymore lol. I want to do meaningful work. Except there is none out there. And then my auntie keeps on asking mum if I have finished studying. Then mum told her that I have not. Which is good cuz I feel better that I have some time to rest and look for a job and my cousin isn't soo pressured. Yeah we started uni at the same time. She started with an arts program at the same time as I started my law degree and I finished it s lot faster than I thought but I have practically gone crazy lol.

It's weird that they always compare me with my cousin. I think it's unfair to compare us. 1. Because I am 2 years older than her and 2. Because I am disabled and she is not. It's like comparing apples with oranges. She seems to follow what I do all the time. Now that i am learning violin she wants to do it too. I hope she really wants to learn the violin because she it going to have a hard time playing it if she doesn't truly want to learn it. I am learning it because I really like the sound and I like to watch youtube vids of people playing violin songs I like (which I eventually hope that I would be able to play one day) and not because I want to show off or brag about it or anything.

And Like I go travelling,and then she goes. except i went travelling with my own money from my retail job and scholarships and she went with her parents money. like I learnt how to play the piano many years go but eventually gave up and she followed but eventually gave up too lol. Like i did gymnastics when i was little and then she drcides to do it too. It's annoying. And because she is not disabled and abled bodied she can achieve a lot more than me so it's just not fair to compare us. I get fatigued easily without a properly functioning pituitary. And being partially deaf and blind. Oh well.

Ok I guess I have been a bit moody today and I will explain why.

Ok I noticed that there are a lot of problems it's my current violin which I got for $169. Some which I can bear but the main problem is that either the bridge is too high or the fingerboard is too low making the strings really hard to press down. The distance between the end of the fingerboard and the strings is 9 mm for the g string and 6 mm for the e string which is DOUBLE of what it should be and it is like nearly cello height. I could injure myself if I continue to play with this violin. I have been using a lot of force to press down on the strings and my shoulders hurt a lot afterwards.

I wished that it was the bridge that was too high so that I just need to take it to a violin shop to get it lowered with sandpaper and the whole process wouldn't cost over $30 so i could continue to play with this violin. but it seems like the bridge isn't the problem here but the problem is with the fingerboard which is too low. Raising the fingerboard costs a lot more probably over $100 and it might affect sound quality. Or I could try and get the bridge lowered instead even though the main problem lies with the fingerboard cuz I measured the height of the bridge and it seems like it's the correct height. Lowering the bridge when it's the correct height might compromise sound tone so I dunno.

I am seriously contemplating about getting a new violin even though I have only played this one for 2 months. I feel bad but at the same time I know that I cannot continue to play with such a high distance between the strings and the fingerboard as I would injure myself and my technique would suffer and I would progress slowly. I dunno. This violin has given me a lot of problems to be honest from slipping pegs to a case with a bow holder which pulls out the hair of the bow constantly. I might need to get a new bow soon as the hair keeps on being pulled out by the bow holder. And the costs all add up to be even more than a new violin. Yeah and it's sad cuz I just put new strings on the violin so I have wasted those strings unless I pull them out but I don't want to.

My mum is really against me getting a more expensive violin. She probably thinks that I won't play long term but I really want to get a good violin so I don't need to constantly upgrade. she spends a lot of money each month buying unecessary things. It would probably cost $1000-$1300 range for a good violin that would last me for years and I would never need to upgrade. Plus espensive violins unlike the student violin which I am playing now appreciate in value if properly looked after. Being played regularly the tone of the violin changes making it sound better and more expensive so it's a good investment in the long term.

I could probably get a decent violin package without all the problems I am complaining about for $400 but I will need to upgrade later maybe in 2 years time. With a more expensive violin it can be played for a long time up to 7th-8th grade if I ever go that far lol. Plus I want and like to play the violin because it helps me emotionally and makes me less depressed. I have around $600 coming in next month from my term deposit which could go towards the violin. I planned on using the money to go on a trip but I might put it towards a violin instead now. And I could get an interest free payment plan for the violin. I practise the violin a lot each day like over an hour and more on the weekends like sometimes over 3 hours so it's not like I am not playing. I am practising hard but I am progressing slowly because of the violin's construction.

I really don't know what to do with my life. I feel like I am stuck in the middle of nowhere. My anxiety is eating worse and worse each day. I am afraid of meeting new people etc. I know that it might be to do with being growth hormone deficient. Blood work shows that I am producing no growth hormone at all :(. Some people with hypopituitarism still produce some but I have absolutely none. I am sick of waiting for the trial. The doctors told me that it would begin in mid jan then deferred it to the end if feb and now it's nearly the end of feb and I am still not contacted. I really really want to see if the meds work. Even though everybody who is growth hormone deficient tells me that the meds do work and cures depression, tiredness, anxiety, lethargicness- I just want to trial the meds so that I know that they truly work. If it works then it would motivate me to work hard to find a job that pays enough to buy meds but right now I have no motivation at all to do anything. I don't have much energy. I am always tired. In fact I have been tired a lot for many years but I just ignored it.

Yeah about my anxiety, I want a job where I don't have to constantly talk to a lot of unknown people. I am scared with interacting with a lot of new people that I don't know. But once I know people I am not scared. It's not that I can't work. I can do data analysis, research, write reports, maths, accounting, basic admin stuff, data entry anything except I just don't want to do customer service or call centre related stuff. I dunno anxiety from meeting new people is a symptom of growth hormone deficiency so I hope that it can be cured with the meds.

I want to go to this meetup event tomorrow where people are meeting up to go to the science centre but it seems that only guys are going and there are no girls. I will see if any gals are going and if there are girls then I would go too. I don't want to be the only girl. As you can see I am trying really hard to combat my anxiety of meeting new people. I am going to meetup events to meet new people and I have been volunteering at the call centre. To be honest I feel really anxious my heart pounds constantly when I am making the calls but I think my anxiety is getting a bit better from all this.

Yah and my mum and sister are fighting again. My sister pissed my mum off with her troubles and out house is still partially without power and it's really crappy here. My mum likes to play mind games etc. for example this morning she told me that we are going to ikea and it got me happy because I haven't been there for ages and I want to eat their meatballs and try out all their furniture and look at new desks cuz mine is really old like 10 years old so I am thinking* of getting a new one. I will put it on my cc and pay it off. I have been thinking of getting a new desk but never ended up getting one as I could never find the right size. It needs to be big and not too small but not too big. Ok but then she suddenly decided not to go and ignored me and started watching movies on her ipad. ;( oh well I ended up going out myself to get mos burger and chips.

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I received my whitening masks today (my beauty diary from sasa for $10) I will try them and report on how well they work. I also got a tweezer yeah to tweeze my eyebrows but it hurts ouch. This hot weather is perfect for masks.

Yeh and I had reaaaaaaaaaaly nice mushroom sauce pizza today. It is soooooooo good and creamy and wonderful. I also had drumstick icecream today as well (the one shaped like a cone not a real drumstick) nom nom ^_^

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